Pagan Paths

20 Ways Not to Get Invited Back to a Circle

(author unknown )

1. Take the ritual sword from the alter and make sounds like Darth Vader..."Luke, I am your father!"...and start making light saber
noises.

2. Start skat-singing when chanting.

3. Take the ritual athame from the alter and start cleaning your nails with it.

4. When taking a sip of the ritual wine, act like a wine snob and comment on it.

5. When doing the spiral dance, make a conga line.

6. Call down the Goddess with "Get your ass down here, Big Momma!".

7. Call down the God with "Our father,who art in heaven..."

8. When chanting the names of the Goddess, randomly include Pokemon names.

9. When being smudged, complain about second-hand smoke.

10. In a drumming circle, laugh insanely and start drumming the beat to "Wipe Out".

11. When in a skyclad circle, randomly point and laugh.

12. When the ritual wine goblet is passed to you, chug it and ask for more.

13. Invoke Satan.

14. Take out a bible and start evangelizing.

15. Light up a cigar.

16. Bring a cute furry creature and offer it as a blood sacrifice.

17. Talk a lot about casting spells for revenge against people who have offended you.

18. At a handfasting say "Thank God! Maybe now i'll get some grandchildren!"

19. When in circle, answer your cell phone.

20. Respond to "So Mote it Be!" with "Amen!"

You Know You're a Witch When...

1. Your BOS has spots on the pages from spilled brews.

2. When cleaning house you have to specify. "Where is the broom? No, not the broom, where is the one to clean the floor with?"

3. Candle wax has dripped on your keyboard.

4. There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards than there are cereal boxes.

5. Friends know they can always give you candles and incense as a gift.

6. When watching old re-runs of Bewitched, you find you side with Samantha's mother Endora.

7. When travelling, stranger and stranger strangers tell you their problems.

8. You find yourself making corn dollies in the checkout line at the grocery store (well, I thought about it).

9. You ask for Halloween off, because it's a religious holiday.

10. You start answering the phone with "Merry Meet".

Can I Ask You A Question?

by Taliesin Athor Govannon

I am a very public Pagan. I am a long-haired male, bearded, fond of dressing in black, with a rather large pewter pentagram (my only piece of jewelry...REALLY noticeable against a plain black background) around my neck. In other words, I've never tried to hide my identity as a Witch...my broom closet has screen doors in it! Now, any of you other public types out there will know what I'm talking about when I say that I tend to get a LOT of questions from non-Pagans. (NOTE: Since there are some who dislike the terms "cowan" and "mundane", I will henceforth refer to such people as "metaphysically challenged.") Some are rude, some are ignorant, and some are in a class of their own. It can be difficult to know how to answer these people. After all, some of them may never get the opportunity to hang with real occult/Witch types, and probably wonder if we all work for those "1-900-YOU-PUTZ" type psychic lines. I, however, have quite a bit of experience interacting with such types, and have a huge collection of "Save your soul now" style pamphlets to prove it. As a public Pagan service (and also because I've been spending all of my time lately writing love songs to a beautiful blue-eyed Witch and thus have NO other ideas ready), I have decided to give you a list of my favorite questions from the metaphysically challenged, along with possible answers. (Please note that these are POSSIBLE answers, and I assume no liability for personal injury resulting from their use. Remember, it's safer to be a smart-ass in print than it is in real life.)

TOP TEN QUESTIONS FROM THE METAPHYSICALLY CHALLENGED
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10. "Is that there one of those quartz crystals around your neck?" (No, it's a CIA transmitter...)

9. (while pointing to any occult/Pagan book in your possession) "What do you have there?" (A BOOK...see the pretty words? Oooooooohhhhhhhh........)

8. (same as above) "What book you got there?" ("Build A Thermonuclear Weapon From Ordinary Household Goods In Three Days"...why?)

7. "Are you going to Hell?" (No, but it's on my way if you want dropped off...")

6. (While looking at pentagram) "Is that a satanic symbol?" (No, it's a Masonic symbol...would you like to donate to Shriner's Hospital?)

5. "Do you believe in God?" (Which one?)

4. "How does someone become a Witch?" (Well, first there's the written exam, and then the swimsuit competition...)

3. "Can you do a spell on me?" (Don't tempt me, please...)

2. (Pointing to pentagram) "What are you, Jewish?" (Shalom!!!)

1. (A real experience) "Well, I like you...you seem like a nice person. I'm really worried about all of this occult stuff you're into though...why don't you come and talk to my pastor? He knows lots about occult stuff, and I think he can set you straight...you might even find Jesus! But before you do that, could you give me a tarot reading???" (No, but I'll give your pastor one...)

Click here for the site that this was pulled from. This is FULL of hilarious stuff!!!!! a new browser window will open so you won't lose your place here...

Top 13 Reasons To Be Pagan
Author unknown;

13. I live for persecution!

12. I'm a night person at heart.

11. We respect our elders...and alders, and willows and oaks.

10. I just love explaining that a pentagram is NOT evil.

9. We do more after midnight than most people do all day!

8. Being burned at the stake is a great way to roast marshmallows.

7. We can talk to Elvis (and he IS dead).

6. You live, you learn, you die, you forget. Then you come back. . .

5. Double the deities, double the fun!

4. We get more holidays.

3. Brooms get great mileage.

2. We were here first!

1. BELTANE!!!

You Might Be Giving Pagans A Bad Name If...
by Cathar Steincamp

You insist that your boss call you "Rowan Starchild" becasue otherwise you'd sue for religious harrassment. (Score double if you don't let that patronizing bastard call you "Mr. or Ms. Starchild".)

You've ever confused the Prime Directive with the Wiccan Rede.

You've ever cast a spell with twenty-sided dice.

You said it was bigotry when they didn't let you do that ritual in front of city hall--it had nothing to do with the skyclad bit!

You picketed The Craft and Hocus Pocus, but thought that the losers who picketed The Last Temptation of Christ needed to get lives.

You've ever publicly claimed to be an elf, alien, vampire, faerie, or demigod, and been genuinely surprised when not everyone took you seriously.

You've ever publicly claimed to be the reincarnation of Gardner, Merlin, Aleister Crowley, King Arthur, Cleopatra, Morgana Le Fay, or Jim Henson, and been genuinely surprised when not everyone took you seriously.

You've suddenly realized in the middle of a ritual that you weren't playing D&D.

You've failed to realize at any point in the ritual that you weren't playing D&D.

You've suddenly realized that you are playing D&D.

Your Book of Shadows is a rulebook for Vampire: The Masquerade with notes in the margins.

You've ever effected an Irish or Scottish accent and insisted it was real.

You talk to your invisible guardians in public. (Score double if you save places for them in crowded restaurants.) (Score triple if you admit to having sex with them.)

You've ever claimed to have met the Vampire Lestat or Dracula. (Score double if you got into a fight and escaped.) (Score triple if it was no contest.)

You own a ceremonial bong.

You've ever tried something you saw on Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Charmed, or Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

You've ever had to go along with someone's ludicrous story because it was twice as likely to be true than most of the crap you spout.

You expect your employer to exempt you from the random drug testing because of your religion.

You've won an argument by referencing Drawing Down the Moon, knowing damned good and well that they haven't read it either!

You've ever referenced the Great Rite in a pick-up line.

Someone has had to point out to you that you do not enter a circle "in perfect love and perfect lust". (Score double if you argued the point.)

You claim to be a famtrad (hereditary witch), but you're not. (Score double if you had to tell people you were adopted to pull this off.)

You claim to be a descendent of one of the original Salem Witches. (Score to a lethal degree if you don't get this.)

Someone once lost their boat delivering your ritual incense from Mexico.

You've ever used tongue delivering the Fivefold Kiss. (Score double if you did it more than once.)

You've ever used reincarnation as the intro for a pick-up line. (You may deduct this point if it worked.)

You think it's perfectly reasonable to insist that, since every tradition is different and no one tradition is right, there's no reason not to do things your way.

You request Samhain, Beltane, and Yule off and then bitch about working Christmas.

The main thing that drew you to Paganism was the potential to dance with naked members of the opposite sex.

You strip in an all-nude revue club under your Craft name, and consider it highly appropriate.

You've ever been psychically attacked by someone who conveniently held a coven position you crave, and suddenly had a glimpse into their mind so you could see how evil they were.

You've ever achieved position or influence in a coven by sleeping with half the members.

You claim to be a great witch because you were trained early by the wise and powerful so-and-so. Of whom nobody has heard.

You complain about how much the Native Americans copied from Eclectic Wiccan rites.

You're not a hereditary witch but you have a good disposition to it because your ancestors (the ones before your Okie parents) were Native American or Irish.

You don't know the difference between Irish and Scottish, and alternatively claim to be both.

You think it's your Pagan Duty to support the IRA, not because of any political beliefs you might share, but because, dammit, they're Irish.

You think the number of Wiccan books you own is far more important than the number you have read, regardless of the fact that most of your books are for beginners.

You hang out with people who match at least 15 of these traits.

You recognize many of these traits in yourself, but this test isn't about you. But, boy, it's sure right about those other folks!